First off, I’m sorry we have been relatively silent on this blog after our fundraiser ended. We were blissfully waiting and preparing and changing our lives in hopes of a new little one. The months of May and June were CRAZY busy, and then, the baby was due the beginning of July, yesterday in fact.
I want and need to be very careful in how I explain what happened. I want to honor expectant mothers and birth mothers and their choices. It is ultimately their decision and sacrifice when they choose to place their children with an adoptive family. This is one of the hardest things a mother could ever possibly do. I cannot imagine the loss.
I also want to be very respectful to our agency; they are wonderful. They have been very reassuring throughout the whole process. And we were all blindsided by what transpired. They are considered to be a “low risk” agency, meaning: they work with expectant mothers who are very sure in their decision to place, and they do their best to protect the investments made by the adoptive families. I’ll speak more on that later.
The expectant mother we were matched with was very young. She has had a life of struggle and two young children at home. She has had some legal troubles and was placing because she wasn’t sure of the outcome of some of those troubles. The newest baby wasn’t fathered by the same man as her other two, and she didn’t think she could handle a third. The whole situation from the beginning really grieved me because I truly felt like she was in a system that had failed her from her childhood. But we felt so honored that she chose us. She is a lovely and sweet girl. There were a few red flags, mostly just my heart wanting a better life for this sweet girl, but our agency again and again reassured us of how “sure” she was in her decision to place with us. So many things, over and over again. She kept stating that “this was not her baby,” we would try to tell her that when the baby was born she would be “our” (collectively) baby, but our social worker who worked directly with this expectant mom just said that it seemed like she had disconnected, which is sometimes easier. Things were looking good. We were ready. Beyond ready. Car seat in the car, hotel booked, leaving on Thursday….ready.
The easiest way for me to describe what happened is to say that she just disappeared. There was a family crisis about 2 weeks ago and her family from up north came and got her and said that a grandmother was dying. The social worker, in trying to get some extra contact info from said family member, was met with some hostility. Then, expectant mom was gone. All was easily explainable, we weren’t hearing anything because perhaps the family member had died, then lots of flooding happened in the area and the power was out. Then, maybe her phone ran out of minutes. Until, on Wednesday, the day before we were supposed to leave, we got word that the expectant mother called and disconnected the phone that the agency set up. They basically said, this is a very bad sign. It’s over.
Here’s the thing you should know, if the expectant mom was surrounded by her family and they helped her change her mind and said they would support her, it would hurt us, but I would LOVE that for her and for her baby. If the baby had been born and she fell in love with her and just felt like she couldn’t place, it would hurt, but again, I completely support and love her through that situation.
But to just disappear. With no trace, no answers, nothing. Was this the plan all along? I genuinely hope not, but I will never know. Yesterday, a little girl might have been born. A little girl who was never mine, but my heart longed for so deeply. My heart was prepared for her to be mine. There are so many questions that will never be answered and once again, our story has a narrative of loss.
Now, in this super achey, fragile state, there is only so many cliches and well meaning things I can take. I LOVE YOU ALL. And your out pouring of love without even know what’s happening has been beautiful and overwhelming. Thank you.
But let me tell you a couple of things. I am not okay. We are not okay. But we will be. I know 100% that I can trust that God has us, He has this and He knows our story. I know 100% that someday soon we will be bringing a daughter home. I know 100% that I have forgiven this expectant mom and all the wishes and dreams I had for our girl, I am pouring over her. I might be a bit of a mess for a while, and that is okay too. I feel things so very deeply. I hurt and grieve when our trees fall…so stuff like this wrecks me beyond belief. I am thankful for a God who can take my “whys,” my anger and the fact that I am, in every way possible, just about the very worst christian. But I have hope that He’s holding us, and you too.
Someone mentioned that this seems like our loss with our baby Cash, but Cash we got to hold him, see him. This baby, we were 5 days away from that and then the dream of her just disappeared. She mentioned it’s almost like a kidnapping….I don’t know because this baby was never fully mine. But, she will always, always, have a huge piece of my heart. And, I am very brokenhearted. Thank you for walking through this with us. Thank for you kind words. Thank you for sitting with me when I’m just a blob or when I randomly burst into tears and almost puke. Thank you for forcing me to shower and eat, even though food seems gross.
And now, logistics…Our Agency has said that when a disruption like this happens, they do everything they can to make sure that we don’t have to pay another cent. So, we have a fully paid for adoption. Because we are so very open to situations, we just want a biracial or African American girl, and we are very open to special needs, they feel like we will be matched again quickly, could be weeks, could be months.
In the meantime, I need to figure out how to function, or at least…eat.